The Blissy Experience Ep. 12: Vanessa Morgan’s Guide to Attachment and Healthy Relationships

 

 

In Episode 12 of The Blissy Experience, we sit down with Vanessa Morgan, a relationship therapist who specializes in couples therapy. With extensive training in helping people repair childhood trauma and relate better to their partners, Vanessa brings her deep expertise in attachment theory and neurobiology to this insightful conversation.

Learn about her unique approach to strengthening relationships and discover exclusive tips she's sharing only with Blissy!

Don't forget to follow Vanessa on Instagram (@vanessmorgantherapy) for more relationship wisdom and insights. Watch the full episode at the link below.

 Watch Full Episode on Youtube 

Wired for Love: How Attachment Shapes Relationships

Vanessa’s work is rooted in attachment theory—how early bonds with caregivers shape our adult relationships. She explains that relational patterns run on implicit memory, often outside our conscious awareness.

"We tend to pick partners that feel familiar, but they're not necessarily capable of meeting our needs," she says. Combining attachment theory with neurobiology, she explores how the brain toggles between connection and fight-or-flight.

As a relationship therapist, she helps couples become "intentionally relational," teaching them to shift out of survival mode and build deeper, healthier connections.

What Are the 4 Attachment Styles?

Attachment styles are all over pop psychology these days, but Vanessa breaks them down in a way that actually makes sense. Here’s the quick and dirty version of the four main types:

• Secure – The lucky ones. They had caregivers who met their needs consistently, leading to happy, healthy relationship patterns.
• Anxious – The overthinkers. They crave closeness, worry about being abandoned, and can be a little too hard on themselves in relationships.
• Avoidant – The lone wolves. They value independence over intimacy and tend to keep people at arm’s length.
• Disorganized – The wild card. Their upbringing involved both love and fear, often due to trauma, making their relationship patterns unpredictable.

Vanessa points out that secure attachment is actually the most common, while disorganized attachment is the rarest (about 5% of people). Anxious and avoidant styles are pretty evenly split across the population—so if you feel like you're constantly chasing or running away in relationships, you're definitely not alone.

How We Can Apply Attachment Theory In Our Lives

Vanessa sees value in knowing your attachment style—but warns against letting it define you completely. "It's part of the picture, not the whole picture," she explains. Instead of boxing yourself (or your partner) in, attachment theory can help you understand how to support each other’s nervous systems in a relationship.

For those dealing with an avoidant partner, Vanessa offers this insight: "Avoidants had to learn to shut down their feelings as a way to cope with their caregivers. Deep down, they struggle with the belief that 'no one cares about my emotional experience.'”

So, what’s the move? Instead of getting frustrated or pushing for connection—which will only make them retreat further—slow things down. Show genuine curiosity about their feelings without pressure. Creating a safe space for them to open up (at their own pace) makes a bigger impact than trying to force closeness.

What Is 'Emotional Metabolism'?

One of Vanessa's most eye-opening concepts is emotional metabolism—a way to understand how we process and regulate feelings.

"I conceptualize emotion something like our digestive system," she explains. "If it’s immature, we can’t digest—we throw up our feelings. Emotions need to be metabolized. We need to sit with them and process them and learn how to manage emotions in a conscious way."

This analogy helps couples recognize why some partners struggle with emotional regulation and how they can develop healthier ways to process emotions together.

"We tend to pick partners that feel familiar, but they're not necessarily capable of meeting our needs"

Beyond Love Languages: The Meaning Behind Gifts

When talking about love languages, Vanessa takes gift-giving beyond the surface level, highlighting why it holds such emotional weight in relationships.

"So many things are symbolic in relationships," she explains. "'Socks on the floor is not about socks on the floor.' Same thing with gifts. It's about object permanence—I can live in their heart even when I'm not with them."

A well-thought-out gift isn’t just about the item itself—it’s about showing your partner that you truly see them and think of them even when you’re apart. For those who feel anxious about gift-giving, Vanessa suggests honesty and intention: "If you’re not naturally good at it, acknowledge that, but commit to taking actionable steps to improve. Show effort."

Sleep: The Real Secret to a Healthier Relationship

Vanessa’s insight? Sleep isn’t just rest—it’s key to relationship health.

"Sleep is one of the only ways your brain repairs itself, so it's incredibly important for emotional hygiene," she explains. Without it, emotional regulation suffers, making partners more reactive.

She’s seen couples struggle with basic needs like sleep and nutrition—both critical to relationship dynamics. In her own life, she prioritizes sleep as a shared ritual: "My husband and I go to sleep together as an important attachment ritual. Going to sleep is a separation, and every interaction around separation or reunion activates the attachment system in your brain."

For couples with different schedules, she suggests small rituals like tucking your partner in to maintain connection.

Red Flags and Self-Awareness

Irritability, overreacting to small things, and feeling drained—Vanessa says these are the first signs that sleep deprivation is taking a toll on your relationship.

"We misattribute childhood trauma as the sole problem in conflict, but it can also be sleep, nutrition—how much energy your cells have to put into anything," she explains. Simply put, sometimes the issue isn’t deep—it’s just exhaustion.

She also warns that poor nutrition can fuel anxiety and mood swings, making emotional regulation even harder.

The fix? Prioritizing sleep and rest. A Blissy adjustable pillow makes better sleep effortless—so you and your partner can wake up feeling recharged, not reactive.

"My husband and I go to sleep together as an important attachment ritual."

Moving Toward Interdependence

Vanessa hopes to see a shift away from rugged individualism and toward stronger, healthier connections.

"People have lost the skillsets they need to be in relationships," she notes. The real challenge? "How do I take care of myself and someone else at the same time?"

She believes we’re slowly moving in that direction—toward a balance where independence and deep connection can coexist.

Key Takeaways from The Blissy Experience Episode 12

In this episode, Vanessa Morgan shares invaluable insights into attachment theory, emotional processing, and the surprising physiological foundations of relationship health. Her most powerful advice? "Slow down. Slow down in fights. Take time to get into a better space and come back."

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And follow Vanessa on Instagram for more relationship wisdom and insights into building healthier connections.